Tappy Alpaca: The Tutorial
*Content Warning (just in case): mild/vague (and ultimately positive) allusions to mental health, and very very mild swearing; Based on the game tutorial for “Tiny Sheep.”
★★★★☆ By Anonymous: “Great game, easy to learn and really calming. Play it all the time when I’m tired and want to zone out. Super chill, and the animals are soooo cuuute 🙂 Wish there were fewer in-app purchases, but other than that it’s a lot of fun.”
Welcome to Tappy Alpaca!
“To get your farm started, click the barn button in the options bar to buy an alpaca!” Okay, I think, one digital alpaca, coming up. Soothing, cute, hopefully not too brainrot-y, but honestly a little alpaca brainrot might not be the worst thing in the world. Something low-stakes to help me unwind a bit, no stress here. Not now, OCD, I have a farm to start. I click the button with the barn on it, and a fluffy brown alpaca appears in the patch of grass. It’s got a tuft of cartoon fluff that almost covers its eyes, and its cheeks move in circles as it munches on some of the two dimensional grass sticking up out of the field. Alright, so far so good. It seems relatively happy. In an affirmation of progress, a little smiley emoji pops up above the alpaca’s head.
I tap it, and a little info bubble pops up telling me to give my alpaca a name. I hadn’t thought to prepare any names- was that inconsiderate of me? According to the info bubble it’s a female alpaca, but I don’t know that that matters. I wrack my brain for a minute and decide on Alpaca Capone, whose nickname will simply be Al. I think I might be a genius. Al doesn’t seem to care either way, but that’s alright. The info bubble disappears as the next step in the tutorial pops up:
“Great job!” A flurry of tiny coins appear from nowhere and fall into my little bank tab. “Now, go to the shop in the left corner, and buy your alpaca a safety perk, so you never have to worry about your new farm friend!” Uhhhhhhm, excuse me, ‘worry about them’- worry about them why?? “You never know when predators might come to the farm!” Okay, okay wait, so like they can die? Like actually die? Well, I mean, they’re digital, so ‘actually die’ might be a bit of a stretch, but nevertheless they would disappear from their little world and I’d be unable to get them back, which was not what I wanted for them. I remember seeing something like a lion on one of the stills from the App Store, but I thought they’d just deplete some of their health or something, not drag them away to eat them. I accepted the commitment of Al’s care, but I didn’t realize she might actually be vulnerable to something. “Super chill,” for sure. I know that my fake/kinda-real digital alpaca probably shouldn’t be weighing this heavily on me, but she’s an innocent and she’s my pet, and I want her to get to be cute and happy in her little patch of grass, and hopefully help me stop overthinking so much and just zone out and farm, and the last thing I need at the start of the semester is the loss of this alpaca, because even if I got another, that seems cruel, like I think she’s an item to be replaced, and for some reason it’s important to me to keep this one alive. I get attached, and I want to believe that Al can be happy. I buy a safety perk (for a majority of my coins, I might add), and now Al is safe, and, according to the game, immortal. That eases my mind a little.
“Great job!” says the tutorial, patronizingly, “But it looks like your alpaca is feeling a little lonely… Click on the barn button in the options bar to give her a friend to talk to…,” Alright, that’s fair. I was getting a little worried about whether Al was just supposed to stand around alone all day. I know for most animals, they like having company. I click the plus sign, and another alpaca appears, this one white with brown spots. According to the info bubble, he is a male alpaca, and I dub him Sir Alpactrick Stewart. I give them a minute to get to know each other, and little dialogue bubbles start popping up between them. Their happiness begins to increase. Yay. I go to the shop to buy another perk for Sir Alpactrick Stewart, but this is when I realize that I don’t have enough coins, not even close. …Okay, so now I’ve gotten attached to Alpaca Capone who’s gotten attached to Sir Alpactrick Stewart, and I, the caretaker of both of these beings, do not have enough coins to prevent Sir Alpactrick Stewart from being eaten alive.
The tutorial, not seeming to care that I am now going to have to find a way to earn the money to pay for Alpactrick’s immortality- (why the in-app world of alpacas in fields is so rigidly capitalistic is beyond me, though it’s probably to get people to buy more coins with their real money because the out-of-app world is also fairly capitalistic)- sends me another message, this one saying: “Great job! Now go to the ‘supplies’ tab, and get a pair of shears to get wool from your alpacas!” Okay, so I understand that the idea of a ‘farm,’ involves using some type of plant or animal for food or resources, and it’s not like I have some kind of moral high ground here—I’ve eaten plenty of real animals—but I’m still wary lest this start to get too industrial. Also, I’m supposed to be saving money to save my most recent alpaca, so this forced expense seems a little unfair, although I suppose I’m going to need to sell the wool to get the money to make Sir Alpactrick immortal, but then what? I’m starting to suspect that this game is not going to let me call it quits with two friendly alpacas standing in their grove for potentially the rest of my lifetime, despite the peace of mind that that might bring me. Nevertheless, I shear the wool, and sell it, but instead of a break, the tutorial box shows up again, saying:
“Great job! Now it’s time to expand your farm!” No thanks, I think, I already have one more perishable alpaca than I can handle. But that’s not the way game tutorials work. “Build a new stable so that your alpacas can breed!” Uhhhh, yeah, I don’t know about that one. Alpaca Capone has only existed for like ten minutes, even if she wanted to be a mother, this is the literal first day of her existence. I do not want to turn Al into simply a means to additional alpacas—what would that say about me as a caretaker? Not to mention that this will cost yet more coins, and now that I have the wool shears, I don’t have any excuse not to prioritize Alpactrick Stewart. But alas the game tutorial is persistent. Okay, I think, just get through the steps and then you can get an immortality perk for Sir Alpactrick Stewart.
But then I hit another snag in the happiness of the alpacas. If/when they have little alpacas, how in the hell am I going to afford to make them immortal? (at least assuming this tutorial doesn’t let up very, very soon). Then what if their children grow up and they want to have children? I don’t want them to feel sad and unfulfilled, if that’s what they want, but then what effect will this increasing flock of immortal alpacas have on the ecosystem? (or, more selfishly, on my sanity, as the person in charge of their wellbeing?) How am I supposed to take care of them all? Am I supposed to let them all die, all except the one that just has to stand around being immortal? I suppose as a farmer I’m supposed to be turning a profit, but it’s not like any of this is even real money—the only things that exist in this world are me and the alpacas, and the grass and trees around the clearing, and I suppose some lions that want to eat my alpacas- so why can I not have a group of four or five or so platonically immortal alpacas, shear and maintain them, and be satisfied? Surely that would be their best quality of life, at least from a place of already having made Alpaca Capone some kind of immortal “Tuck Ever-paca-ing” or something. But the tutorial won’t let me stop there.
I briefly think of having the children alpacas not be immortal, but then I think of every character I’ve ever read about or watched on TV in that position of being the immortal one in a family or friend group of normal people, and I don’t think I can inflict that kind of scenario on dear Alpaca Capone. She’s already immortal, and it seems so deeply mean to make her stand around and watch her children live and get old and (potentially) get eaten, and she’s just stuck there (the conflict that all of these characters have at some point). I was happy to have her safe by making her immortal, but I didn’t know the road this tutorial was taking. By that same token, is it then kinder to leave Sir Alpactrick Stewart as he is and let him die (here I imagine Alpactrick Stewart with his own Hamlet-esque contemplation of life, “to be or not to be? Whether ‘tis nobler in mind…,” etc), knowing that he won’t have to see that, but doing it at the price of breaking Alpaca Capone’s poor heart even more? What kind of solution is that? Can nothing in this universe be resolved other than at the expense of poor Alpaca Capone? I made a promise when I brought her into (albeit digital) being that I would look after her—she would be happy in her little habitat, and help me chill out and destress and believe in some kind of escapist world where she could be at peace and surrounded by alpaca friends, and everything could sustain itself without some threat of overuse or competition, but this does not seem to be a part of the alpaca condition. The tutorial will not permit it. I try to tap away from it, to strike out alone (with my alpacas), but the game is determined to force me into a decision. But that isn’t what I want. The goal was not to become some kind of God over the lives of a digital flock of alpacas, forced into malevolence one way or another, feeling responsibility for their pain, the fulfillment of their lives. I will not do it. At least not now, anyway.
I will take some time and think. They will be alright in the meantime, and I will find a way to relax and be mindful and drink water or whatever, because that’s what Alpaca Capone and Alpactrick Stewart would want me to do, and what I want myself to do. And I will leave my own review dedicated to Alpaca Capone and Alpactrick Stewart, with the hope that they will release an update, or at least revise the tutorial. This seems to be the only resolution that will let me move on with my night, and I’ll take what I can get. Maybe I’ll go and find something else “super chill” to do, like learn to tightrope walk or study existentialism. Or maybe I will write-I sometimes enjoy that.
I affirm that I have adhered to the Honor Code in this assignment.
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About the Author
Chalaina Potts (they/she) is a senior at Oberlin College, studying Creative Writing. After coming to college they were diagnosed with OCD and anxiety, and the process of getting more comfortable with writing again has played a large role in their college experience, something which they continue to work on. They hope to continue writing and eventually publish some longer work, and are very grateful for all the support they have received from their family, friends, and professors.