I stand tall while I stare at the mirror although I am very small. I don’t look at my height anymore; I look through my own eyes. I can see it. I was getting closer and closer to my best version. My brown eyes were lighting up like golden honey. The dark circles under my eyes were no longer as deep as they used to be. My cheekbones didn’t stick out as much. My face looked like it was filled with vivacity; it was shining like the sun. Now all I needed to do was to believe in myself and smile, so I did, but compassionately. There was an immense worth that I didn’t see in myself before.
I reminisce back to where I used to be. Everything around me disappears. I look at myself sitting down on the cold hard floor praying graciously, no tears in my eyes. I look focused and calm, having a spiritual moment with the greatest being on Earth. I trusted him, and he didn’t fail me. I was at peace as the overwhelming feeling of love overflowed within me. That’s where I spent my time with him. At this time of hardship, that’s when I found him closer.
Listen. The voice told me.
You will be reborn.
As I have a conversation with this powerful and supreme being, I can hear the workers whispering.
“Have you seen that girl?” one of them asks the other. A dark and beautiful woman asks, with strong dignity.
The tall and confident young woman with glasses squints at her and begins to giggle.
“I was thinking, she must be an angel. She’s always praying.”
“She’s too much.” They laugh together.
Although their voices were clearly audible, I smile politely and continue my prayer, minding my own business.
That was sweet of them. I thought.
I finally decide to stand up and connect with these patients around me. I could hear someone speaking inside me again. This time, it was a different voice. Not the one I was speaking through prayer, but perhaps a friend that my soul knew from somewhere before.
Can you pray for me?
It was my roommate. She was dressed in full pajama pink clothes. Her friendly dark brown eyes gleamed back at me like melted chocolate. I remembered her having a panic attack in the room. I walked next to her while in the hallway. We were slowly pacing our feet past the cart that was filled with dry, white towels, which I remembered being so hard against my skin. There was another cart that had toothbrushes, toothpaste, and cream. I would always check those little drawers to pick one up for the day.
Of course. I told her through my thoughts.
Perhaps it was better this way. To have a private conversation with these souls, rather than speak a word that would tear us apart. All these people that I’ve met somewhere before, but where? If they can speak to me like this, are they really mentally scarred? For one thing I know they’re just inconsolable and anxious people, and were waiting for just a simple gesture of kindness.
Suddenly, everything disappears and all I see is a fog. I keep walking when I spot myself in the line swallowing a hand of pills. I was looking loopy like I would fall on the floor any minute. Now I am drinking water from a small cup, forcing myself to drink as much as I could before I fall asleep.
Noble. Someone calls me, a familiar face with curly brown hair and green eyes.
Yes? I respond subconsciously.
Why are you here? He asks.
Because of God. I respond and look up to see his expression. His green eyes were no longer a dim faraway light. They turned into bright grass on a sunny day.
Suddenly, I am in the room that is filled with white bed covers, pillows, and white blankets. It’s dark. I am fighting demons in my own head. Red eyes stare back at me when I close my eyes. I sit back up and stare at the door. It begins to move. I stop myself from shaking and cup my hands together instantly.
“They’re coming back,” I whisper.
I am right here with you. I hear the voice again.
Another flash of light. It’s the final stage. I’m lying down in my bedroom bed, chortling in awe. There are bright, vivid lights moving around in circles. They were angels coming closer and closer near me. Ready to embrace me in my arms, remind me, I will be done. I will be new. I will be reborn. All the darkness that circled my mind was gone. Those voices that I heard in my head, they were from all these patients like me. It was their thoughts which I thought were my own. They were the ones my soul knew and had met, over there. My mom hugs me tightly while my big bag filled with clothes sits on the carpet.
I am back home and I am better. I thought to myself.
My room is bright and glowing. I missed this place.
When your heart, mind, and spirit are together, that’s home. The angels whispered inside my soul. I touched my chest near my heart. I blinked my tears of joy as I took in the air around me. This is what it feels like to really be alive.
That’s when I realized that we all sometimes get tested by our faith. I blink as I see myself staring at the mirror again.
All these people that I have been, must it be that they were warriors? Perhaps we were speaking to each other to remember something important: the power of love that can help us fight through mental health issues. Sometimes, you have to go. You have to recover by seeking treatment and you have to get your feet back up. That’s the only way to be a better person, to get help.
I blinked at the mirror nonchalantly, took a step back, and sat on my soft carpet. Rubbing my fingers against the carpet, I elegantly laid it on my lap. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and let my thoughts come and go.
Breathe in. Breathe out. I tell myself.
Treatment is really important because it brings you three things: Faith, hope, and love. I heard a voice tell me.
“I didn’t search for it. I found it.” I smile to myself and say as I feel mental clarity and peace overflowing my body all the way in and out.
About the Author
Samia Mehbub is an English literature student at the University of Central Florida. She is the author of Inspired to Comfort Your Soul and Inspired to Comfort Your Soul, Volume II. She is also a blogger and creative writer whose work has been featured in Dumb Little Man, Elephant Journal, and the literary magazine Turtle Way.