Christine StarkNICKELS: A TALE OF DISSOCIATON (two excerpts) School bend over so I do hands together so I do the school lady checks my back every Friday before lunch when the other kids do art shirt off the spider crawls up my back follows my spine until it reaches my head knock knock my back's getting worse because my head's too heavy from thinking the school lady says Why is your back getting worse you're too young I don't tell her about my heavy head from the thinking school nurse says: are you okay now I look just like a old lady crooked and bent I get a cane and hobble to school with it not really but I could from being so crooked other kids make art a spider crawls up my back my back is a s stands for snake ssssnake like the big one in my bed crawls up lives where my spine used to be school nurse calls me in special on a Monday to talk with a school man the school man and the school nurse say take your shirt off so I do hands together so I do the school nurse says See one two three she counts up my back with her spider leg fingers until she gets to a spot then her spider leg crawls over my rib under my arm Where did you get this the school nurse says with her spider leg finger on the new spot I shrug my shoulders to tell her I don't know but my hands are pressed together it's hard to move Do you have any more the school man says I stand up straight like a arrow pull my pants down the school nurse and the school man say Oh so I pull my pants up they call in my mom and another school lady and a policeman who takes pictures of my crooked back with my pants down my mom says she doesn't know anything maybe it was the babysitter they ask me I shrug my shoulders bent over like a old lady from thinking too much Knock knock the policeman and the new school lady take me into custody until matters are resolved I don't know what matters are and when I ask the school nurse what does matters are resolved mean she says Oh you are just like a little parrot I don't ask no more questions I wonder if the school nurse is going to walk up my crooked back anymore with her spider leg fingers * * * Patty the light switch clicks the nurse leaves I have more than six senses to tell me the nurse is gone I see without my eyes I feel without my skin the bodies in the house with me mother father walk in walk out stand in the hallway stand in the hallway! I have the biggest ears in all the world the biggest ears in all the world! I hear footsteps drop a mile away a mile away! I hear footsteps leave a room walk down a hall padded over by carpet soft as mice pad pad pad mom's knuckles on the door pan frying chicken in the kitchen father's snake coiled in his pants breathing through the zipper sliding up the stairs between the gold velvet English wallpaper crowns I hear it coming all of it coming going staying creeping crawling padding listening in the hall mom listening in the hall! mom hears it all the panting moaning breathing whish whish sound out the mask hole keeping me safe mom keeping me safe with her bat mask sugar candy in the night mother listening in the hall with her white knuckles mice feet padding so no one hears her listening to mad dad snake man killing me in bed twisting seaweed sheets round my ankle chest arm sending me to the bottom of the freezing ocean water Mom mice feet padding mom mice feet padding the pain is bad! bad! bad! I have the words of a two year old knives cut through my brain knives cut through my brain! mom didn't love me snakes white knuckles on the door padding mice feet ow ow I cry like a baby like the first time he raped me pinned me to the ocean floor tied seaweed kelp round my body left me to bloat turn gray lose my eyes to hungry fish picking out my insides my insides! I cry owwww knives in my brain Patty Patty I moan Tara's hand holds mine Who's Patty she says she says I see Patty her long legs pony tail skinny Norwegian nose saggy jeans Patty I say again in a little girl's voice I see her standing by the bushes in front of her house I hear him clanking my bed she saved me from him she saved me from them! he hurt her because she loved me Patty shoots she scores I slap the stick on the basement floor flip out the orange puck I am not supposed to have or to feel love Patty loved me Patty I cry hard a baby's first rape terrible sadness floods my body washes away numbness fear apathy depression Patty loved me I loved her Patty I say the ceiling blurred above me loved me I blink hold Tara's hand cry hard for the baby I was for Patty wherever she is
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