Every Clock is a Handgun Pointed at my Head by Johnny Profane (Knapp) Âû
Content Warning: This multimedia piece discusses time anxiety, sensory overwhelm, and stress responses in autistic individuals. Contains metaphorical references to weapons and descriptions of intense anxiety. Includes detailed examination of autistic stress responses, time perception difficulties, and executive function challenges.
This page contains the transcript from a spoken word video published in this issue.
This spoken word on my autistic experience of time contains triggering topics.
If you are sensitive to frank discussion of abuse, I created a friendly sensory summary link in the description [on the video posted on YouTube].
THREE
Every clock is a handgun pointed at my head.
Every tick, tick, fucking tick. Tolling fear doom dread. Click slide. Cock click. Every night a mantra echoes through my head. TV static a crazy making hum. Singing dream. Dreamt dead. Not done, not done, not done. Under ten nine eight. Dread 765. Fear for three two. Beep. Shoot the moon or the Country Next Door. Countdown deadline. Bow down. Dead bound behind doors bound in my head.
Pace. Paces. Pacing. Paced every beep of the phone. Stops my heart I crash out with a scream for escape.
TWO
Woods. Deep woods. Deepest woods. My ears fly from birdsong to birdsong A raptor circles, then spirals. Crossing lines. Now dead wind steals my breath. Taking words never said. This skin bag of atmosphere breathes new air. When the sun rises. First it is cool. Then it gets warm. The day passes. Clouds above my head shake by wind outside my body.
The same wind inside my body. The same wind. Yet 10 nine eight, Dread. 765. Fear 432. Beep! Shoot the moon or the country next door. Countdown. Deadline. Bow down dead. Every clock is a handgun pointed at my head. Zero.
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About the Artist
Johnny Profane (Knapp) Âû is an artist and writer who focuses on expressing the unique perspectives of neurodivergent individuals. Their work often delves into themes of time perception and the psychological impacts of societal norms on autistic minds. Johnny’s blog and podcast have social followings of approximately 20,000 on subStack, X, and so forth.